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Month: April 2014

April 2, 2014September 8, 2018 Ellen Orr

Growing through

Instagram: @ellenorr

@huehuehui + Thai food + sangria + RBG = best Galentine’s Day ever. // I’ve decided that I’m not settling for anything less than the Marty to my Ruth, so Galentine’s may be my only February holiday for many years to come. 😂✊That’s fine; friend love is just as worth celebrating as any other kind of love—especially when your friends are as lovely, strong, brilliant, kind, etc as mine. 💕 #texarkananintoronto
Made my first meme 🤷‍♀️ Baring my soul online to a mass of viewers is so much easier than being even marginally vulnerable with people one-on-one/in-person (#enneagram8 problems).
If we’re being honest, this is how I’m feeling today, on average. Within 12 hours, I’ve felt both peacefully happy and despairingly gloomy (#bipolar2, heyyyyyy), but mostly I’ve felt . . . blah. Like my expression in this pic. I rejoined an online dating site today, and WOOF is that depressing. Dating sucks. It’s exhausting and boring and gross. I also was reminded, as I am most days, that I may not get into any PhD programs, and even if I do get in, I very well may fail. I don’t feel like I know/understand even .0005% enough to conduct any new research or to write anything worth reading. So, if that’s true: what am I going to do? With the rest of my twenties? With the rest of my life? I guess what I’m saying is: I’m living right now in passive fear—that I’ll never experience romantic love AND that I’ll not achieve anything professionally/academically/revolutionarily/creatively. That my life is this moment, this feeling, indefinitely. I know it’s not true. But I also don’t know that. The dissonance is frustrating and crazy-making. Anyway . . . guess I’m feeling lonely but not strong enough to reach out to anyone, so I’m posting on social media? Is that how this works? (Obligatory disclaimer that I’m fine, don’t need to be checked on, etc.; just experiencing normal human emotions over here, literal fam)
River’s first Canadian snow day! #rivertheexpat #texarkananintoronto

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