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Month: April 2019

April 26, 2019 Ellen Orr

The computer programs the user

April 24, 2019June 17, 2019 Ellen Orr

therapy is weird

Instagram: @ellenorr

September is doing her damndest to beat me down, but I don’t think she knows who she’s up against. 🤷‍♀️
“It’s gorgeous, eh?” said the man on the bike as he passed me. #sunrise #texarkananintoronto
I intended to start September at the Unitarian church, but I overslept and decided to be okay with that. I’m spending this whole day on myself: meal prep for the week, a manicure I really can’t afford but “need,” a restorative yoga class to soothe my aching joints and hold my nervous heart. September is historically a difficult month for me. Lots of grief anniversaries. Lots of worry about when the next big loss will occur. I have already begun dreaming of the deaths of my loved ones—friends, students. Those I’m supposed to care for. Many of my hours are spent on my students—working for them, worrying about them. The other day, a parent behaved in a way that infuriated me because she was unwittingly doing great harm to her kid. She also demonstrated that she didn’t understand how much I care about her child. “If I didn’t care SO MUCH about him,” I vented to a friend, “I wouldn’t feel so angry that I want to throw a chair across the room.” - And I guess that’s the thing: big hurt is inevitable in relationships where there’s big love. Anger, grief, heartbreak, frustration, despair—all inextricable from love. - And so, during this month, I’m going to remember how fortunate I am to love and be loved by so many perfect souls. I won’t try to mask my pain with gratitude, but I will let gratitude and grief exist together, side by side.
Cheers 🥂 to two years of being a #texarkananintoronto! So glad I got to celebrate with my bffffff @huehuehui 💕💕💕

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